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Post by Siana Blackwood on Jul 11, 2011 0:33:16 GMT -5
Jokes that might produce more groans than laughs, yet are suitable to tell young children. Jokes finely calculated to be almost guaranteed to make at least one child (possibly belonging to a stranger) say "Oh, Dad!" in a 'OMG, how could you say something like that in public?' voice...
They're called 'Dad Jokes'. Here's one:
Q: What did the cookie say when his best friend was eaten?
A: Crumbs!
and another:
Customer: Hey, I just bought this new computer and I found a stick in the DVD burner!
Sales assistant: Sorry, I can't help you with that. You'll have to contact the branch manager.
See what I mean? Now post some of your own!
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Post by lyeshea on Jul 11, 2011 11:43:54 GMT -5
Actual grandpa jokes from my grandpa:
When I ask, "what time is it?"
A: It's a freckle past a hair
Q: Why did the boy bring a ladder to school?
A: He heard it was high school.
Q: Why did the boy bring a ruler to school?
A: He wanted to make straight A's.
Q: What do you call a fish without any eyes (i's)?
A: Fsssshhhh
there's another "why did the boy bring a ___ to school?" joke that he says, but I can't think of what it is...
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Post by Siana Blackwood on Jul 13, 2011 9:11:39 GMT -5
Q: What do you call a deer with no eyes?
A: No idea!
Q: How do chickens type?
A: Hunt and peck
Q: How do assassins type?
A: Search and stab
Q: How do guided missiles type?
A: Search and destroy
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Post by Siana Blackwood on Aug 9, 2011 9:46:54 GMT -5
Q: What's big and white and can't jump a fence?
A: A fridge!
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Post by Siana Blackwood on Nov 20, 2011 21:28:14 GMT -5
 XKCD - my favourite procrastination  |
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Post by Siana Blackwood on Nov 29, 2011 8:06:31 GMT -5
What was the the sharks favorite movie? The grad-u-ate.
Ham sandwich walks into a bar, says "Gimme a beer." Bartender replies, "Sorry, we don't serve food here."
Mushroom asks a girl out, and she says no. He responds "Why not, I'm a fungi?"
Why can't you hear a pterodactyl urinate?
Because the "p" is silent.
Two muffins are sitting in an oven.
One muffin says: "Whoa, it's hot in here."
And the oner one replies: "What? A talking muffin?!?"
Why'd the chicken cross the playground?
To get to the other slide.
Why did the boy fall off his bike?
Because someone threw a fridge at him.
Why did the first koala fall out of the tree?
Because he was dead.
Why did the second koala fall out of the tree?
Because he got hit by the first koala.
Why did the third koala fall out of the tree?
Because he thought it was a game.
What's brown and green and if it falls out of a tree, it will kill you?
A pool table.
Why did the monkey fall out of the tree?
Because it was dead.
Why did the second monkey fall out of the tree?
Because it was stapled to the first monkey.
Why did the third monkey fall out of the tree?
Peer pressure.
Two fish are in a tank. One fish turns to the other and says, “Do you know how to drive this thing?”
Two fish are in a tank.
One says to the other, "you man the gun, I'll drive!"
What did one snowman say to the other?
Can you smell carrots?!
Why was the mushroom invited to the party?
Because he was a fungi to be with
Two fish were swimming upstream. All of a sudden one stopped, rubbed his forehead, and said "Dam!"
A mushroom walks into a bar, and the bartender yells, "Hey! Get out of here! We don't serve your kind here!"
And the mushroom says, "Why not? I'm a fungi."
Have you heard about the guy going round stabbing people with knitting needles?
They say he was following a pattern.
Which knight invented the round table?
Sir Cumference.
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Post by Siana Blackwood on Feb 3, 2012 1:23:42 GMT -5
Why is an author a funny animal?
Because her tail comes out of her head!
What do you call a boomerang that won't come back?
A stick!
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Post by Siana Blackwood on Feb 6, 2012 8:10:11 GMT -5
Food falls on the floor...
Germs: Attack!
King Germ: No, little ones. You must wait five seconds before attacking.
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Post by Siana Blackwood on Feb 19, 2012 8:10:30 GMT -5
What word is always spelled wrong?
Wrong.
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Post by Agent Double Oh Zero on Feb 22, 2012 17:59:58 GMT -5
This is actually my grandmother's joke.
Student: "Teacher, what does 'pregnant' mean?"
Teacher: "It means 'carrying a child.' Now write a sentence using that word."
Student: "The firefighter went up the ladder and came down pregnant."
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Post by Siana Blackwood on Feb 29, 2012 1:09:50 GMT -5
Q: What do you get when you cross a kangaroo with a calendar?
A: A leap year.
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Post by Siana Blackwood on Apr 17, 2012 0:02:49 GMT -5
Kid: Is it Wednesday today?
Dad: All day...
...
Little Boy: Dad, can you put my shirt on?
Dad: No, it doesn't fit me.
...
Mum: Shall I put the kettle on?
Dad: You think it will suit you?
...
When rubbing your eye
Dad: What's up?"
You: "There's something in my eye"
Dad: "Yeah, it's your finger"
...
Kid: Can you make me a cup of coffee/tea?
Dad: Waves his hands over your head and says 'Poof! You are now a cup of coffee/tea!'
...
Kid: Where's the bin?
Dad: I haven't been anywhere!
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Kid: How Long's Dinner?
Dad: ... about 9 inches..
...
Kid: Hi there, is Monica around?
Dad: No, she's more of an oblong shape...
...
Kid: What's on the TV?
Dad: Just some dust.
...
Kid: Can I have 50 bucks?
Dad: Forty dollars? What do you need thirty dollars for?
...
Kid: How is that water?
Dad: Wet.
...
Kid: Can I watch the TV?
Dad: Yes, but don't turn it on.
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Post by Siana Blackwood on Jun 10, 2012 12:51:04 GMT -5
Want to hear a cat joke?
No?
Ohh, you gotta be kitten me!
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Post by Siana Blackwood on Jun 29, 2012 8:37:17 GMT -5
Lawyer: "Doctor, before you performed the autopsy, did you check for a pulse?"
Witness: "No."
Lawyer: "Did you check for breathing?"
Witness: "No."
Lawyer: "So, then it is possible that the patient was still alive when you began the autopsy?"
Witness: "No."
Lawyer: "How can you be so sure, Doctor?"
Witness: "Because his brain was sitting on my desk in a jar."
Lawyer: "But could the patient still have been alive nonetheless?"
Witness: "Yes, it is possible that he could have been alive and practising law somewhere."
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Post by Siana Blackwood on Jul 18, 2012 10:01:51 GMT -5
Q: Did you hear about the cat who drank 5 bowls of water?
A: He set a new lap record.
Q: If lights run on electricity and cars run on gas, what do cats run on?
A: Their paws.
Q: What has more lives than a cat?
A: A frog - it croaks all the time!
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